Back In The Atmosphere
by Hollywood Phoenix
Summary: *COMPLETE REVISION IS BACK!!* Cordy calls a brooding Angel while on vacation with Groo. Tons of angst & a dash of romance. Features Grammy 2002's Best Rock Song. Please R&R!
1. Message from HP

February 22, 2003  
  
Hi everyone,  
  
First of all, my sincerest apologies for taking this long to upload the rewrites. I'm been crazy busy since mid-last year and although it's no real excuse, it's the only one I've got... ;)  
  
So, here's the story back again. If you're a first-time reader, I hope you like it! If you're a second, third, or multiple time reader (hey I can hope, right?), thanks for stopping by again and feel free to review because I love it!  
  
HP 


	2. One Week

Disclaimers: I would love taking the credit for being this creative, but nope, Angel belongs to Mutant Enemy, the WB and Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt & co. Those fabulously evocative lyrics from Train's Drops of Jupiter aren't mine either.  
Rating: A/C ... Oh, wait, you mean PG-13.  
Spoilers: Takes place after Angel Season 3 ep. "Couplet." I'm ignoring episodes after that.  
Shameless advertising for Grammy 2002's Best Rock Song: Lyrics were somewhat modified in this chapter to suit the story. To view the lyrics in its entire glory, go to Train's website... .   
  


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Chapter 1 of 7: One Week  
(c) February 26, 2002, last update June 13, 2002  
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It had been one week.   
  
One tranquil, conflict-free, normal week. Angel Investigations was experiencing an average healthy flow of business. Some of the cases presented more challenges than others. Others made more money. All were solved.   
  
And all were mundane.   
  
Angel let out a small sigh, one of many that evening. His current predicament was his fault alone. He had been the one to ask her to go away, to take a vacation. To top it off, he had made it sound like she was doing him a favour. At the time, he had believed it.   
  
With hindsight, he now knew better.   
  
Over two centuries of existence and he still had a lot to learn. He'd go through many more if he could just take back those last five minutes before she walked out the door. If he had, for once, admitted how much his wounds hurt. If he had revealed how deep those wounds really ran.   
  
Never before was he so acutely aware of how much he relied on her. She complained about being ignored or brushed aside each time he leaped into action before thinking, but the truth was that he really did take it all in. He heard her words and her tone, saw the way her face scrunched up as she pleaded with him to think things through, and most of all, revelled in the energy and charisma his Seer possessed. It was so abundant that it charged everything around her and lifted everyone's spirits, his especially. It was an unconscious habit, it was familiar.   
  
He wouldn't exactly say that he missed it. It was just that every corner he turned, he expected her to get ticked off with him. Every minute, he waited for her incessant whining and self-preoccupation, regardless of the misguided "former Sunnydale cheerleader, wannabe Hollywood starlet" ideals that had rankled his nerves in the beginning. It was just that he had long ago grown accustomed to her constantly voicing her two cents.   
  
Only, now, she was too pre-occupied with being all lovey-dovey with fawning over her lunkhead from Pylea. And ignoring fussing over _him_.   
  
That was the reason why Angel had to get Cordy back in the atmosphere. Quite simply, he needed her to grace him with her effervescent presence.   
  
Closing his eyes, he imagined her in a sunny, warm environment. Dressed in a swimsuit that covered just about nothing. Drawing envious stares to her elegant, model-slim body from women and appreciative looks from hordes of slimy men.   
  
At that thought, Angel let out a snarl. He could and would tear apart any guy who so much as glanced in the same direction that his Cordy was standing in. He paused, considering this natural gut reaction. Then he chuckled at himself, only partly out of humour.   
  
_Possessive, much? Are you ever behind the times. You so need to get out more._   
  
Yes, he could just hear her saying something to that effect if he every truly reacted that way in front of her. Luckily for him, she hadn't been around to see how he had kicked and beaten her love slave to get that tree demon to release him. All so the said love slave could sweep Cordy off her feet and whisk her off into the sunset.   
  
All in a day's work for a cursed vampire.   
  
Even now, he couldn't bring himself to say his name, this _man_ who just happened to drop in. The _man_ who couldn't have picked a more inopportune moment to reclaim his princess. The blood in his veins started to boil as he clenched his fists tightly at his sides. If he wasn't fully aware that his temperature couldn't rise, he'd feel himself go all red.   
  
After all, that Pylean nightmare was in his town. He was intruding on his turf. And he had bested him, _her_ champion. Angel wasn't used to that; no way was this going to be a recurring phenomenon. Grimacing, Angel conceded his latest petty obsession: at least he was still the taller champion.   
  
He scoffed. _Champion. Yeah, right. More like some loserly dork with a label to spell out the obvious. One who just happens to look like Angel, avenger of the night; doomed to be one half of a pair of star-crossed lovers._ Talk about a painful character death.   
  
For a moment, he contemplated finding Cordelia and swooping in. He would be all broody and dark, with his trademark black trench coat swirling around him. He'd fly around, lightening quick, fighting anyone who stood in his way. Then he'd grab the brunette damsel most definitely not in distress and hold her to him, all the while declaring his infinitely un-dead love.   
  
Altruistic purposes and all, he would be rescuing her from a fate worse than, well, life without him. And in turn for his heroics, she would comprehend how extremely unfairy-tale-like her Pylean fantasy was and realize her repressed desire to be with her handsome prince of a best man-pire friend. By then, the Powers That Be or who-not would come to their senses and lift that pesky curse. Why not? After all, it was all in the name of kyerumption and being a champion and com-shuk-what-not.   
  
He winced, despite the pleasant delusion. Since when did he act like such a romantic fool?   
  
Probably around the same time he'd become a stuttering dolt.   
  
Exasperated and to his horror, amused with himself, he rolled his eyes. This Xander-mimicking wouldn't even intimidate a stone gargoyle, let alone spark terror in the hearts of tiny babes and blondes alike. No wonder Cordy remained stubbornly ignorant. _No wonder she's oblivious to my true feelings._   
  
Angel growled again, vamping into his game face. This habit of being a glutton for punishment was really sucking the enjoyment out of his living dead life. For over two centuries, he didn't have the steel to express his true desires unless he could fall back on that 'evil demon brewing underneath his soul' crutch. Like a testament to what he had become, he was resorting to wimpy tactics that even Valentino couldn't have made work. As it was, he was seriously questioning his manhood.   
  
Then again, he reasoned, he was doing fairly well in every other aspect of his life. Pretty well, by a lot of people's standards.   
  
_On the bright side, I have a miracle child_, he thought.   
  
_Right, whose mother was a vampire that committed suicide to give birth to him_, he scoffed to himself.   
  
_Well, I have a decently successful business named after me_.   
  
_Of which you're not the boss of anymore_, he reminded himself.   
  
_At least I have friends_, he boasted in his mind.   
  
That pestering voice in his head laughed. _They're either demons, demon-hunters, or just spent the better part of their lives around them. Don't you ever get the sneaky suspicion that they prefer the comfort of the demon-riddled world over living amongst normal humans?_   
  
Angel sighed for what he believed to be the last time and reverted back to his normal face. His world no longer revolved around just him. It was unbelievable, but he was raising a son. And lately, his most pressing past-times were saving the world and discovering new ways to direct his Seer's splendidly beautiful smile his way. He had no control over changing his situation or the journey he was on. When he regarded his life from that perspective, it was easy to see how he had ended up the way he had.   
  
Sure. That's what he would keep telling himself. _Is that a lie I can believe?_ he sighed again.   
  
So, was he back with the same frustrations? The moping? Hopelessly and helplessly spinning towards self-assassination?   
  
Damn full circle thinking got him smack dab back at square one. After 248 years of practice existing with the same issues, one would expect he would move even the tiniest bit of progress forward.   
  
Forward thinking. That was never his specialty. It was always Cordy's. His mind started spiraling down that path where all he saw was a Cordy-less existence. He felt a pang in the region between his neck and stomach.   
  
_I would miss her too much._   
  
A smile crept on his face. _Maybe this is finally progress. I admit that I miss her._ He drew himself out of his customary slouch a little.   
  
He definitely had to get her back. Not just back to L.A. and the Hyperion, or with the Fang Gang. He might not have a plan, as usual, but he definitely needed her wholly his again.   
  
_Back in my atmosphere._   
  
The shrill ring of a phone startled him. Things had been catching him off guard a lot lately. He glared at the phone for a moment, expecting it to coil up suddenly and attack him. Second ring... Third ring...   
  
No such luck for him today. Nonchalently, he picked up the receiver. "Hello," he spoke in what he considered his cool persona. Talk about a dialed-in performance.   
  
"Angel?" the voice on the other end asked. His mind perked up at the sound of the voice and his body became more alive, more alert. "Angel... it's Cordelia."   
  


_ Now that she's back in the atmosphere  
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey...  
_

  



	3. The First Hour

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Chapter 2 of 7: The First Hour   
(c) February 27, 2002, last update June 22, 2002  
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_  
She acts like summer and walks like rain  
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey  
Since the return from her stay on the moon  
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey  
_

  
  
"Cordelia." With that one word, Angel could hear the mix of his own emotions echoing from the receiver.   
  
"What, I'm hardly gone a week and you forget your oh-so-important best gal friend?" Cordy chirped at her end.   
  
"Of course not," Angel asserted, feeling his shoulders relax as his back unconsciously straightened up. _Why does she always have this effect on me?_ He barely contained the joy in his voice, "So how are you? Where are you? Enjoying the vacation?"   
  
"Things couldn't be better." Cordelia responded, emphasizing the last word. Angel noted, somewhat despondently, that her tone was brighter than it had been for months. _Maybe a little too bright?_ "We drove down the coast and found this great beach with tons of surfers. It's been way too long since I felt the sand between my toes."   
  
Angel wrestled with the disappointment creeping in, "So I guess you're still with..." He trailed off, still unable to say his name aloud.   
  
"Well, yah?" Cordelia retorted. "I'm not vacationing by myself." Then she asked, a little more kindly, "Angel, how are you doing?"   
  
_Not as good as you._ Angel fought the urge to shoot the remark back.   
  
_Don't make her feel guilty. Be glad that the time away has done her good. Cordy being happy is good. It shouldn't hurt me. It shouldn't matter._   
  
He switched into automatic heroic selflessness mode. "I'm great, everything's great." he droned, trying to muster the same level of enthusiasm in her voice. He tried to picture the joyous place she was calling from.   
  
_Is Groo hovering beside you? What have you been doing all week?_ He was going crazy. _Yes, I've already established that I'm a glutton for punishment. No need to drive the stake in further._   
  
Cordy obviously didn't buy it. "Okay, what's wrong?"   
  
Angel hid a smile, although there was no need to. _Never could keep anything from you, could I?_ He tried the flippant approach. "Not much, the usual cases, letting the money roll in. You know, what Angel Investigations is supposed to be doing." He could almost hear the impatient breath she let out.   
  
"Obviously 'usual' is the key theme here." Cordelia remarked wryly. "As usual, your 'I'm excused from admitting my feelings because I'm the world's savior and have the weight of that on my shoulders' delusions are getting in the way. I bet we're back to wearing the dark colours, aren't we?" Without waiting for a response, she continued, annoyed, "Angel, will you just tell me what's bothering you?" She paused, then spoke, slightly panicked. "Oh god, it's not Connor, is it?"   
  
Angel's mouth went dry, tempted to tell a lie just to get her to come back to him. _I lost her once before. I've seen how my lies affect her. I won't deceive her like that. Not again._   
  
"No," he said, somewhat hoarsely. "And it's not Wes or Fred or Gunn... it's not anyone." _Except, maybe me. But I don't count. I shouldn't ever count. Not where you're concerned._   
  
"Oh." Cordy breathed on the other line, obviously relieved. _Right about now, you'll be beaming that mega-watt smile. But I'm not on the receiving end._   
  
"So, how is our little munchkin?" she asked, casually.   
  
Angel blinked his eyes, confused. _So, that's it? What happened to giving me the third degree?_ Cautiously, he replied, "He's fine. He's been sleeping longer hours but I think he misses his mother." The words slipped out before he considered their impact. His unbeating heart did a flip-flop. _I never intended to use that card._   
  
Hesitantly, Cordelia softly spoke, "Well, it's only natural for Connor to reach out for his mother. Even if he never actually met her."   
  
Angel's mind reeled. _She misread what I said. I can take it back. Pretend it never happened._ He couldn't perpetuate the myth. "Connor misses you." he clarified quietly.   
  
A pregnant pause ensued. _I had to tell her the truth. She has to know what she means to my son. What I think._   
  
"I miss him too." she admitted. Angel's heart flew up and caught in his throat.   
  
"And me?" he asked, before he could stop himself.   
  
_Say you made a mistake in leaving. It's not the sun and the blinding sand you want. You're a queen of the night, the darkness; you are my light. Say you want me back._   
  
"You shouldn't even ask that." she replied, simply. _Is that a touch of wistfulness in her tone or is that just wishful thinking on my part?_   
  
"Obviously I miss everyone." she continued, hurriedly. Angel's heart sank again. She laughed, "I can't believe I'm telling you this, but Groo and I went to sing karaoke last night. Luckily, he can't carry a tune better than any of us regular folk." Angel's heart started inflating again. Cordelia went on, "I half expected some green demon outcast from some Kwok-wok clan to give me my aura." She paused for dramatic effect, then dead-panned. "I gotta tell ya. It was a real let-down when the host for the evening turned out to be very human. Tell me there isn't something seriously wrong with me!"   
  
Angel chuckled, despite his dejection.   
  
"There!" Cordy said triumphantly, "That wasn't so terrible, was it? Geez, when you first came on, you sounded as if you lost your favorite kitty-cat." She laughed again, the sounds of it rolling light as a tinkle.   
  
Angel kept grinning, knowing he looked like an idiot. _Who's watching me, anyway?_ They were silent for a moment, letting themselves revel in their mirth.   
  
"So, you gonna fess up to what's got you down with the mopey or do I have to find other ways to sneak it out of you?" Cordy questioned, conspiratorially.   
  
Angel shook his head in amazement. _So, you didn't forget. Aren't you a sly one; buttering me up so you could pounce on me again._ He froze, suddenly envisioning the images those thoughts just conjured up.   
  
_Control yourself._   
  
Shaking his head harder, he considered confessing all his feelings over the phone. _Yah, that'll get her faster than you can say 'restraining order.' Real smooth idea, Romeo. Besides, 248 years of habit can't change with a one hour phone conversation._   
  
Decidedly, he tried shrugging the inquiry off a second time. "Nothing. It was just a momentary lapse."   
  
Cordelia faltered, evidently unconvinced. "Angel." she began disapprovingly. Suddenly a cheery male voice broke in, followed by muffled whispering and a sigh. "Angel?" Cordy repeated. "I'm really sorry but I have to cut this short. Groo and I are supposed to head to a party now. We're good, right? There's nothing that has to be said today, right?"   
  
"Yeah, sure." Angel instinctively responded. _Did I mention that you've been on my mind for the last 7 days? While you were out having a life without me?_   
  
"Great." Cordy concluded enthusiastically. "Give Connor my love and say hi to everyone for them. Oh, and Angel?" she added, somewhat breathlessly, "I promise to call again soon... as long as you remember to put on the lighter colours next time. 'Kay?"   
  
With that last remark, Angel let the smile play on his lips. The last thing he heard from the other end was her softly tinkling laughter again. When he heard the dial tone, he gently replaced the receiver. Sticking his hands in his pockets, he made a jaunt downstairs. For once, that week, he had something to look forward to.   
  


_  
Tell me, did you sail across the sun?  
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded?  
And that heaven is overrated?  
_

  
  



	4. Seconds of Waiting

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Chapter 3 of 7: Seconds of Waiting   
(c) March 1, 2002, last update June 22, 2002  
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_  
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star  
One without a permanent scar  
_

  
  
_Something's wrong._   
  
Angel stopped in the middle of the deserted parking lot and listened to the absolute silence. He took out his phone and gazed at it for a minute, considering his options. _I could call Wesley._   
  
_No._ He mentally chided himself for panicking so quickly. _Take it like a man._   
  
The next second, he had his phone flipped open and was dialing the numbers for the Hyperion. Before it rang even once, he flipped it down again. _I can wait another few seconds._   
  
It was at that moment that a large hairy creature chose to appear. It sprang out from behind some bushes, baring its claws and slobbering all over its chest. Angel dodged to his right easily, slipping the phone into his coat pocket. Turning towards his opponent, he deftly landed a mighty blow to the beast's face.   
  
Two minutes later, a huge sword was sticking upwards, out of the monster's chest. Angel reached into his coat pocket and started willing his phone to ring again.   
  
_Something must be very wrong._ As if on cue, the phone lit up and rang.   
  
"Angel," he greeted calmly.   
  
"Hey! I'm back." Cordy's lyrical tone was music to his ears. Angel heard her exhuberance and took a deep breath.   
  
"Cordy! What a surprise! I wasn't expecting you to call so soon." he enthused. _Was that too forced? What took her so long?_   
  
"Angel, I did say I would call," Cordy reminded him.   
  
"That you did." he agreed warmly. "So how was -- wait. Did you say you're back? Back in L.A. When? Why?" _Is it because you missed me?_   
  
"Whoa, rewind! I meant that I'm back on the phone with you." she clarified. "Ringing any bells? To continue our phone conversation? Officially hour two of a five hour marathon?" she panned, melodramatically.   
  
"Oh," he exhaled, disheartened. _Stupid. Next, you'll be hitting your head repeatedly on the nearest white picket fence._   
  
"Angel, why do I get the distinct feeling that you've been waiting for my phone call all night?" In his head, he watched her roll her eyes.   
  
"Not all night," he sniffed, trying to sound offended. _It's not like I was going to call the cavalry in to find you... at least not for another five seconds._ He gave in to the urge to explain himself, "I was tracking a furry wildebeast."   
  
"Uh huh." she jeered, knowingly. "Did you have to help it out of a tree?" _Why did you say that? You guessed the truth already._   
  
Desperate to change the subject, Angel focused the spotlight on her. "So, tell me about your party." he said in his most neutral voice.   
  
"Oh, yeah, I didn't tell you about my trip so far. Last night's party was so chilling. The food and drinks were fabulous and the partying lasted until dawn. It reminded me of that party back when I first ran into you in L.A. Except, I wasn't all anxious to get a good contact. And I tried not to ignore anyone this time."   
  
Angel fought the urge to flinch. "A nice, normal party." He commented mildly. "That's always fun. And a great way to unwind." _Sure I think it's fun. Knowing me, you'll buy that. Could I be anymore transparent?_   
  
"Well, you haven't heard my whole story. There was this night-time surfing contest, which Groo won, hands down. Even though he just learned to surf this week." _Show off._ "And it was after Groo drank, like, 12 beers. But he didn't get drunk, not even a little sloshed." _That's nothing. When I was Liam, I could hold my liquor. I had to fight the wenches off me._ "He must have this iron stomach, which come to think of it, it feels like he does." _You're feeling his stomach...?_ In disgust, Angel concentrated on what she was saying next. "Then this couple asked me and Groo to go dancing with them at this great new island club. Like, the club was actually outdoors, on the island. With big palm trees and lots of calypso music. There was this wonderful breeze coming off the ocean." _With Groo putting his arm around your shoulders to warm you up. I would have tried that._ "And it was so funny because Groo danced like..."   
  
Angel tuned out as Cordelia went on to prattle about her activities from the previous week. _If she mentions his name again, I'm going to be sick. I guess with all that she's been doing, she couldn't have much time to 'com-shuk' what's-his-face._   
  
"I guess you didn't try that potion yet." he suddenly found himself saying. _I really said that out loud, didn't I? I can crawl under a rock now. Or just find some nice dark little corner..._   
  
"Oh sure, " Cordy answered nonchalently. "It tastes like a really good soy latte." _What?_   
  
"You know, we tried it once." Cordy filled in, as Angel didn't reply. _I can't breathe._   
  
"It was after we solved the case of the girl " _I knew something was wrong._ "who looked like an old woman." _I don't need to breathe._ "And it turned out to be this hex?" _Say something_ "By the end of the evening, I ruined" _That's what got me feeling this way._ "my brand new" _Open your mouth_ "strappy heels. And you said I had made this huge sacrifice, so you'd do" _Anything._ "anything for me..."   
  
_SAY SOMETHING!_   
  
"Even have one of those weird health drinks with me." she concluded, seemingly unaware that Angel couldn't respond.   
  
"I remember." Angel said, finally finding his voice again. _Did that come out too ticked off? I can't believe you really drank it._ "I'm... glad that it's all working out for you." _Stake me now._ "When are you coming back?"   
  
"Oh, I don't know." Cordy replied in a noncommittal way. "It's been three years since I've had my first real vacation. I figure I deserve an extra long break. After all, even superheroes get occasional worker's comp... right?"   
  
"Right." Angel tried to chuckle at the joke. It sounded scary to his ears. _On second thought, I'll stake myself._   
  
"You know, you should go on a vacation." she said suddenly.   
  
"What?" Angel hadn't expected that.   
  
"Well, you of all people deserve time off from your regular brooding and all. Do you ever get a break from being yourself? Really?" she persisted.   
  
"You know what they say, there's no such thing as rest for the wicked. Or in our case, demons." Angel gave a short laugh. Then, he amended, "Except for you. Seems as if the Powers That Be are granting you a vacation as well."   
  
Cordelia drew silent. Angel's head screamed furiously. _No, anything but that. This is my town. You're my Seer..._   
  
"I had a vision." she whispered. The seconds ticked. "Groo took care of it." He heard the air intake as she took in a big breath. Then she fervently tried soothing him, "It was just your run-of-the-mill vampire. Wouldn't have been worth your time at all." she hesitated, before saying, "Groo didn't even work up a sweat. And you would have had to drive all the way out here. It would have taken you so far away from Connor..."   
  
Angel winced at Cordelia's clumsy attempt to pacify him. _This isn't real. Isn't it cruel to keep turning that stake?_ He stiffened his resolve. _I'm not letting this beat me. She's with him now. It's only natural that he's become her champion. It's all a case of bad timing. Yeah, not letting this beat me._ "Good for him." he remarked. _Maybe that sounded half sincere._   
  
He heard her swallow once, hard.   
  
"Yeah," she said. It sounded sad.   
  
_That's just my damn imagination. Great, I can't even separate my delusions from the real deal._   
  
Angel slouched against a tree. All of a sudden, he didn't want to hear anymore. He looked up and saw the moon winking at him. _The lady of the moon is mocking me too._   
  
"Angel, are you still there?" Cordy's voice seemed miles away.   
  
_It's only been a week. Millions of seconds. Only seconds for her to forget me._   
  
He opened his mouth. He sounded hollow. "Yeah, Cordy. I forgot to do something. I'll talk to you later, okay?"   
  
Before she could respond, he turned off his phone. The stars in the sky twinkled at him knowingly when he grabbed the handle of his sword. Birds in the trees around him screeched as he pulled the blade out of the dead demon with a sickening swoosh. Ignoring the blood and guts dripping from the tip, he lowered his head, and under the moon's watchful eye, made the lonely trek home.   
  


_  
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there...  
_

  
  



	5. Third Time's the Charm

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Chapter 4 of 7: Third Time's the Charm  
(c) March 1, 2002, last update June 22, 2002  
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_  
Now that she's back from that soul vacation  
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey  
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo  
Reminds me that there's time to grow, hey, hey   
_

  
  
Punch. Grunt. _I'm used to this._   
  
Punch. Grunt. _I can handle this._   
  
Punch. Punch. _Solitude is comfortable._   
  
Hook. Jab. Punch. _I've been taking things for granted recently._   
  
Kick. Punch. Kick. _It's time to bring back the brooding._   
  
Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. _It's time for the old Angel to make a reappearance._   
  
Round-house kick. Angel snarled, his chest heaving. _I'm back._   
  
This was the Angel he remembered from his first year in L.A. Vicious. Predatory. Angst-ridden.   
  
Three and a half, nearly four years later, he still showed no mercy. As always, he sparked fear in demons.   
  
Since stepping foot in L.A., he hadn't changed a bit, at least not outwardly. There still remained the same mysterious dark knight, lurking in shady corners and protecting the weak and helpless from amongst the shadows.   
  
_I was not my most formidable when I was Angelus._ Punch. Punch. _My best years were not in Sunnydale._ Kick. Knee. Jab. _I can still fight with the best of them._ Angel halted, poised to land his final assault. _I'm still me._   
  
He stared at the punching bag in front of him, then lowered his arms to his sides. _I'm still me._   
  
The truth was, he knew better. The reality was that he didn't know what he was anymore. And he was starting to understand that he never knew who he really was.   
  
_It was a lot easier when I was Angelus._ He recalled his evil alter ego, and the way he had felt when his other self had taken over. _I took everything I wanted. I never pretended to be happy. I felt like I could take on the world and more. But who was I then? A tyrant? An agent of evil? Was that really me? Is that still me?_ Angel closed his eyes to that time.   
  
_It wasn't easy in Sunnydale. But it was simpler. I understood my wants and needs. I understood myself._ He thought of the years living on the Hellmouth. His memories of a pretty, petite blonde brought sorrow to his eyes.   
  
_And as much as I wanted it to work, I knew, deep down, it could never be. That I would end up hurting myself and the one I loved, the most. I lived underground, in sewers. She fought against my world. Yet, I couldn't ever leave it._ Angel averted his eyes, holding his head in grief. _It's over._   
  
Angel looked up again. _I really did it this time._ He wiped his forehead and somberly sat on the basement steps. _I should never have laughed with her. I should never have become friends with her. I should never have let her enter my world. I should never have let her in._   
  
Images of the beautiful brunette floated in his head. A wave of emotions swept in his chest. He balled his hands into fists. _So, I'm learning the hard way again._ He gritted his teeth and got up to face the punching bag again. _She says she'll stay with me._   
  
Punch. Kick. _With her big hazel eyes and shining her brilliant million-dollar smile, she says she'll wait for me._   
  
Hook. Hook. Turn. Kick. _She'll hold my hand while I look for redemption._   
  
Turn. Punch. _I love her optimism._ Turn. Kick. _I live for her dreams._ Turn. Whack. _I'll probably still outlive her, wishing for a miracle._   
  
He rested, his eyes bitter and broken. _I can't let her. Or watch her waste her life. Not for me. Never._   
  
He gave a bitter laugh. _What makes you think it's your decision?_ After all, she had been given the choice to relinquish her powers. _Forego the visions and lead a normal, successful, and happy life._   
  
And yet, she had clung to them. Stuck with him.   
  
Beneath the exterior of every great champion beats the heart of a great man. Behind every great man is a great woman. _Yes, that certainly applied to me._   
  
_First Darla. Then Buffy. Now, Cordelia._   
  
Darla created Angelus. She had molded his dark, savage and villainous persona. He didn't have the self-restraint to leave her until he had been gifted with his curse. _Of which there was a higher price in return._   
  
He had been reborn with Buffy. She had made him feel young again, rejuvenated, without the crutch of power and destruction. She gave him a new purpose in life, but life with her proved fleeting. Having experienced a taste of true happiness, he had to leave, knowing that it would never revisit him again. Not with her gift. Not with his. _But I'm past that._   
  
And what did Cordelia do to him?   
  
_Pried her way into my world. Fit me into different colours. Bullied her way into my affections._   
  
He rested his head against the bag he was punching. He recalled all those times she had reminded him how to laugh. _Reducing me to an ineffectual, grinning idiot._   
  
He remembered how she fiercely stood by him, no matter how great his mistakes. _Melting the icy pain and anguish in my past._ And how she declared him her best friend every day, in little ways.   
  
As well as kept the key to his heart.   
  
More than ever, he knew he had to grant her one gift, the only gift he could give her. _I have to let her go._   
  
The shrill ring of his phone shocked him out of his thoughts. He picked it up and answered the call. He only needed one guess as to who was calling.   
  
"Angel." Cordy said breathlessly, over the phone. "I need to talk to you." The stress in her voice caused Angel to tense up.   
  
"What's wrong, Cordy?" Angel asked, alarmed. _Please say you're alright._   
  
"I'm okay." Cordy said, some of the tension leaving her voice. "You don't have to worry about me." _I always do._ Her next few words surprised him. "I want to talk about you."   
  
"What about me?" Angel queried, warily. _This is usually the time that I bolt for the exit._   
  
"I want to talk to you about our conversation last night," Cordy answered cautiously. "The way you just hung up on me."   
  
_Should have realized you'd notice the brusque way I ended it. Of course you'd call me on it._   
  
"It was nothing." Angel denied. "No biggie." _Let's total the tally of lies now. I know lies, mine especially, eat you up. And you can probably spot them before they come out of my mouth._ "You know, I'm glad I get to hear your voice." _Distract her. She's easily distracted with compliments._   
  
"Yeah, well...it's good to hear your voice too." Cordy said, a little suspiciously. _So you're not that easy to distract anymore. My, how you've changed._ But then, she asked, "What are you doing?"   
  
"Just kickboxing in the basement."   
  
"Oh good, while you're dwelling over your broody thoughts from last night, you're keeping in shape. But wait, I'm not getting any classical music vibes. Oh god," she said in mock horror. "Could it be you're agonizing in silence?"   
  
"Ha ha. Got it." Angel mock-laughed. "I thought you wanted me in the lighter colours."   
  
"You're right." she somberly acquiesced. Complying, she switched topics. "How's the gang?" she asked. "Didn't get a chance to talk about them much before."   
  
"They're great. They've decided to hunt down this extremely elusive group that has been on our most-wanted list for months. They've thwarted our efforts to find them previously, but we're not leaving any stone unturned without seeking them out and demanding what's rightfully ours."   
  
Cordy let out a giggle. "So, you finally sent someone out to collect our payments, huh? I'm so proud of you." Angel beamed into the receiver with pride.   
  
"You are always on my case about being too nice. Just taking a chapter from Cordy's rule book."   
  
"The only one that counts." Cordy shot back confidently. Unexpectedly, she let out a huge sigh. "If you get the chance, tell them that Sunnydale's answer to cheerleading is totally rooting for them."   
  
_I'm detecting that hint of sadness again. What's going on?_   
  
"Is Connor awake?" she abruptly asked. _Not a strange request. But why do I sense...?_   
  
"Uh... no. I put him down for the night. _Come to think of it, you would know that already._   
  
"Oh." she said quietly, her tone tinged with vexation.   
  
_I'm not imagining it this time._ Angel's eyes narrowed. _You said you're calling about me. But we're not talking about me... So, why are you really calling?_   
  
"You know, there's no special reason for me to call. I just wanted to ... talk." Cordy's soft voice cut in.   
  
Angel decided not to beat around the bush this time. "What's wrong, Cordy?" he asked again, firmly. "Why are you calling me?"   
  
Cordy let out a breath and he knew she'd blown a strand of hair out of her face. "I ..." she started. Then, as if changing her mind, she hesitated. "I asked you first." she finally said, pointedly. "The first time I called. And at the beginning of this phone call."   
  
_Is this the game we're playing now? This isn't like you. You know I'm dense. Spell it out for me. Please._ Angel let out a low growl, "Cordy..." he said warningly.   
  
"Angel..." she hurled back. "You've obviously been depressed about something. It's always the same with you. I'm not deemed worthy enough to hear your feelings."   
  
"That's not true." Angel refuted. _How do I get myself out of this?_ "It's something I don't do often. Unlike you."   
  
His remark only seemed to infuriate her.   
  
"I'm tired of sharing my feelings all the time." she snapped. "Just because you never change the way you handle your issues doesn't mean that I won't. You've been burned before. I get it. You think you never get the breaks. Well, I'm trying to give one to you. And even if you still think you've got a valid reason to keep wallowing in your righteous self-pity labeled 'Just for Angel' misery... that's just cowardly. So until you get over it, I don't want to talk to you anymore." With that, she hung up.   
  
Angel gawked at his phone, the dial tone beeping at him insistently. _What just happened...?_   
  
He looked at the punching bag. Carefully, he set down his phone, still beeping relentlessly. He drew back his arm and delivered the hardest blow to the bag he could manage.   
  
The chain snapped. The bag crashed to the floor. And the phone kept beeping.   
  


_  
Now that she's back in the atmosphere  
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane  
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land  
_

  
  



	6. Foreplay To Synchrony

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Chapter 5 of 7: Foreplay to Synchrony  
(c) March 3, 2002, last update June 22, 2002  
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It had been four days since they last talked. That was ninety six hours of shell-shocked bewilderment. Five thousand seven hundred sixty minutes of leaping tall buildings, and pounding and killing evil hell-scum. Three hundred forty five thousand, six hundred lengthy seconds of angst-ridden, woefully miserable, solitary agony.   
  
And Angel wouldn't have preferred anything less.   
  
He lay flat on the Hyperion's sloping rooftop, his long frame stretched out on his black trenchcoat and his hands supporting his head. Connor's baby monitor rested on a groove in the roof beside him, next to his cell phone. Above him, the sky was alight with a full moon and joyous little stars. Angel inhaled with a deep and purposeful breath, smelling the succulent evening air.   
  
Needless to say, it was a beautiful night. One that he could revel in it alone.   
  
Case-wise, it had been a slow day. Seeing the light work-load, Fred and Gunn had left early, holding hands. Wesley had opted to stay and pore over his copious volumes of demon-lore until he received a mysterious phone call late in the afternoon. He had hastily scribbled some notes and then rushed out the door without so much as a glance goodbye. Angel couldn't really care less; he was used to the eccentricities of the English man. Doubtless, he was on the trail of some pesky demon and would return to describe the episode in great detail. Similarly, Lorne had high-tailed out the hotel doors as soon as night had fallen.   
  
So, only Connor remained in the place, sleeping soundly. With the doors locked up tight, the window to his son's room opened a crack and directly underneath him, he was well assured that all was well with the world.   
  
At least on the surface.   
  


_  
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet  
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day  
And head back to the Milky Way  
_

  
  
Drowsiness was overtaking him; he should have expected it. For the past few days, he had relentlessly tracked and hunted down terrorizing monsters, been mercilessly violent with every demon that had dared step into his path, and had gotten in the faces of every victim who had wrongfully decided that paying for services rendered was no longer necessary. He made sure he inspired fear everywhere he went.   
  
_Oh yeah, I still got the touch._   
  
A slightly malicious smile danced on his lips. He was definitely enjoying this walk down the danger-filled memory lane, not to mention really feeling the old juices flowing again. Warning bells rang in his head and he frowned.   
  
_So what if regaining that liveliness had been one of my reasons for leaving last year?_   
  
The frown on his unmarred face deepened. Initially, he had regained the old voracity but that had quickly faded. Eventually, the devilment had led down an insane spiral all the way to the depths of a hell-tinged, fiery vacuum. Something he very much regretted.   
  
_Why does that bother me?_   
  
The consequences weren't so bad. After all, he had gotten a son out it, which was never remotely considered possible.   
  
_I got something good out of the naughty deed._   
  
Of course, he also had to rebuild the trust and confidence of his friends, working at something he had never bothered with before. And with more effort still to redeem himself in Cordy's eyes.   
  
_But she forgave me. I got her back. And we became even closer than ever._ Guiltily, he realized the desperate logic behind his recent actions.   
  
_I won't relive the past anymore. It's time to move forward._   
  
Immediately, his mind was flooded with visions of Cordelia. _What are you doing right now? Are you thinking of me as I'm thinking of you?_ He sat up and drew his knees to his chest. _Are you out there enjoying a worry-free life? Or maybe you're inside because you were in all day, every day of your vacation, doing things with someone else that would kill me to imagine if I weren't dead already. Yet I still imagine it because that's the only way I can see you._ He put his chin on his knees.   
  
_If only to see you._   
  
Angel's brown eyes softened, as he gazed at the stars twinkling in front of him. _All my life, I've been waiting. A shooting star whizzed by his steady, watchful eyes. I never dreamed of finding someone to understand me. To truly see my wants and needs._   
  
_Why is it you always know what I'm thinking and feeling? Except when it concerns you... except when it concerns the matters of my heart?_   
  
Through wishful thinking or by the grace of the Powers That Be, his cell phone rang.   
  
He gaped at it for what seemed like hours. Seconds dragging on, as the phone pleaded with him. His throat was dry. He was afraid.   
  
Then the lady of the moon winked at him again; this time, out of affection. As if she promised to shelter him. He wasn't fearful anymore. He would have his resolution.   
  
With one smooth movement, he picked up the phone and spoke into the mouthpiece. "Angel." His name carried in waves on the passing wind, all around him.   
  
"Angel." the name was thrown back at him, but it was a gentle throw. Pensive. Womanly. With drops of Jupiter emanating from her throat. "We need to finish our talk."   
  


_  
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind  
Was it everything you wanted to find  
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there  
_

  
  



	7. Venus in Disguise

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Chapter 6 of 7: Venus in Disguise   
(c) March 3, 2002 , updated May 26, 2002  
  
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_  
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there  
_

  
  
"Alright, Cordelia." Angel agreed. _I'm not walking away from you again._   
  
"Okay..." Cordelia said, uncertainly. "I got your messages. All seven of them."   
  
_I would have left you more._   
  
"The hotel desk clerk thought I was cheating on Groo," she continued. _One can only hope._ "I should have realized you had me tracked down."   
  
Angel winced at her words. She sounded so glum. _It's just because I care._   
  
"I know you care about me." she said softly.   
  
_You want me to stop. You want to me to back off._   
  
But she didn't. "Groo does that too." She sighed resignedly. "He keeps following me around, like a lost puppy-dog. It's so ... oh, I don't know why, but I ..." she stopped in midsentence. _Just say it._ "He's really good to me. He keeps wanting to please me." _And he should._ "I mean, he's my perfect guy." _I know._ "He's gorgeous... those amazing eyes of his. He's also brave... and kind." _I can take this._ "And gentle. I'm his entire world." _You better be._ He actually gave up his dimension, his life... for me. Tell me that's not what I've always wanted."   
  
"It's what you've always wanted." Angel dissented quietly. _You always made that quite clear._   
  
"It's like he has no flaws! Not according to the Queen C list."   
  
He heard a wringing despair in her voice. _So why aren't you happy?_   
  
Suddenly, she let out a laugh. It was from deep within her belly and sounded strangely forced. "I have to tell you what happened on the beach the other day." When she was sure he was listening, she went on. "I was wading out to sea, when all of a sudden this huge wave crashed down on me."   
  
_And the first instinct you had was to check your hair. It doesn't matter... you would have been breathtaking, as always._   
  
"And at first I was so worried about looking like this totally drowned rat. But Groo wouldn't have cared." _The bastard._ "I ... I wasn't really paying attention to anything else but my hair and then I saw my bikini top." _Uh oh._ "In the water."   
  
_That's it. I'll eliminate everyone who saw you._   
  
"Well, Groo was just his gentlemanly self. He helped get it back and shielded me from everyone else until I had it on again." Silence reigned as Angel's imaginary beating heart dropped with a thud. "I thought everything was fine when we got back onto the beach. Groo went to get my towel because I was still dripping wet. Then this guy decided to come up and start hitting on me. When I said no, he just ... leered... and called me all these horrible..." she stopped abruptly.   
  
_Yeah, I get the idea. I'm going to enjoy tracking him down and ripping his head right off... These are not unhealthy thoughts._   
  
"And then Groo came back. And he asked me, in his sweet little way, if I thought it would be inappropriate for him to defend my honour. Well, duh, after the humiliation... After Groo had pretty much beaten the guy senseless... don't get me wrong, that ass totally deserved it. But, I don't know... something was just..."   
  
_Missing?_   
  
"Remember when you came to visit me on the set of that commercial? Right before we got sucked into the whole dimensional nightmare that turned into Pylea?"   
  
_Of course I do. You kicked me off the set._   
  
"I knew you were just protecting me. Making sure I wasn't getting in over my head."   
  
_Sure. Yeah, that's what I was doing._   
  
"It was ... I thought it was really thoughtful of you. I know I yelled at you and ... well, I never got to thank you for offering to serve that jerk's head on a platter."   
  
"You're welcome." Angel replied, stunned. _Where's this going?_   
  
"I have a confession." Cordy whispered secretively. Angel unconsciously leaned forward. "I ... wanted to laugh..." Angel was speechless.   
  
_This is it. I'm a joke._   
  
"...at Groo." ? Angel did an about-face. Then, his ears perked up. "He was trying to be my hero, being all macho in his adorably innocent way. And I love that about him. But, he was just ... not that effective." Angel's brows raised.   
  
_He's not your champion...?_   
  
"You do it much better." she confessed.   
  
Angel's unbeating heart pumped. Once. Twice...   
  
"You know, you're my very best friend. Like ever?" she queried sweetly.   
  
Angel was taken aback, but he humoured her sudden change of topic, "Really..."   
  
"Yeah." she affirmed. "I thought I'd just say it ... to get it out there."   
  
"Okay." He was stumped. _But I like being reminded that I'm your best friend, anyway._   
  
"Because it can't ever be taken back." Cordy warned, her voice apprehensive.   
  
"I don't want you to take it back." Angel assured her. _I still don't know where this is going._ He patiently let her speak again.   
  
"There are so many reasons why you're my best friend," she went on. "Besides being all protective about me. Besides making me feel ultra safe, like I have my own guardian..."   
  
He smirked at her unintentional witticism.   
  
"You've got this wacky sense of humour that no one sees. Okay, no one gets it, because, it's like centuries old, but it's funny to me... you're also this great father to Connor. Plus you can be so sweet and kind and self-sacrificing. And you know how to make a girl feel..." She let out a shaky laugh. "Okay, not coming out the way I want it to."   
  
She paused to collect her thoughts before going on. "You put everyone else before yourself. And your sole mission in life is to make the world a better place. For all of us. Which I realize is really difficult because..." she trailed off.   
  
_Because I'm a vampire. I'm not like everyone else. I'm not like you. You can say it._   
  
She didn't.   
  
"Because of the whole 'independent for so many years' thing. But you've been letting other people in. You let me in. And you know what? I feel really honoured to have gotten this far with you."   
  
Angel felt something moist on his cheek. He distractedly wiped it away, blaming the wind. _But the privilege was actually mine._   
  
"I don't really mind the tall, dark, mystery thing you got going for you either. It's kind of cool watching you be really really hot and intimidating with your black fashion statement. Hot...? Did I hear you correctly? I mean, for best friend bragging rights.   
  
_Bragging rights... ?_   
  
"And here I thought you disliked the broody," he said, trying to make light of the conversation. All while contemplating her words.   
  
"I don't really dislike the 'broody,'" Cordy admitted. "It's who you've been for over two hundred years... it is who you are, and I couldn't... wouldn't change that about you." Suddenly, she seemed nervous again. "I just think that you have other facets to yourself to explore. And it would be a shame if you were really old... like nine hundred and ninety nine years old, and wishing you had laughed more. No one wishes they had been more broody." she paused, letting her words sink in.   
  
Angel inhaled slowly and held his breath. _She likes me for who I am. She doesn't want me to be someone else. She just wants me to be happy._   
  
"Besides, I want the credit for getting you to laugh first." she joked. "This Sunnydale cheerleader's going down in the history books for that incredible and impossible feat."   
  
Angel let the air he was holding out through a chuckle. "I'll make sure of that." _I won't let anyone forget it. Least of all, myself._   
  
"I know." Cordy responded, but it was laced with unmistakable melancholy. _So we still haven't gotten to what's on your mind._   
  
Angel frantically replayed the last couple of minutes of conversation. He had to get her talking. He said the first thing that came to his mind. "Did you just use the word 'facet'?" Angel asked her incredulously. _Sure, that'll get her to say what's really on her mind._   
  
"Yeah." she giggled sheepishly. "And 'intimidating'. I'm expanding my vocab. I figured, I know what it means, so ... why not use it?" Angel laughed in amazement, as she giggled again, "Chalk it up to Fred's influence. I've got to stop shopping with that crazy girl! I might be in danger of sounding smart."   
  
"We can't let that happen." Angel said loftily. An awkwardness settled on them, as they both laughed heartily.   
  
Cordelia was obviously going to keep her mouth shut on what had been bothering her. Angel reflected on his phone conversation - all his conversations with her from the past week. Slowly, realization dawned on him.   
  
_She's been reaching out to me. All this time, she's had something gnawing at her and she's been trying to talk to me about it._ He mentally berated himself. _I've been so preoccupied with my jealousy that I wasn't even listening to her. Not really._ He silently sent a message to her. _I know now. Let me be your best friend. Come to me. I'm ready._   
  
Seconds ticked by. Angel looked up at the blinking stars. It was as if magic dust had fallen. He steeled himself for the inevitable. A chime broke.   
  
"He asked me to go back with him." she told him. Without emotion. Without passion. "He wanted to stay with me; he would give everything up - his home, his people, his life in Pylea - for me. But it wasn't for him. I couldn't let him do it."   
  
Angel felt the hollowness in his chest. _No._   
  
"I haven't said yes yet." she said, barely above a whisper. "I don't know what to say."   
  
_Say no._ Angel's mind cried out.   
  
"When we were in Pylea last year, I had all the answers."   
  
_Nothing's changed since then._   
  
"Now..." now she was whispering.   
  
_Deep down I always thought you'd stay with me._   
  
"I always intended to be with you every step of your journey."   
  
_You still can._   
  
"I always expected to see you shanshu."   
  
_I thought the Powers That Be were giving me a chance. I really did believe that you were mine to keep._   
  
"In my mind... my heart... I thought I would always be there. Right beside you." _I won't accept this. I can't._   
  
"We have to send him back to Pylea." she said with finality. "There's no choice." _It only applies to him._   
  
Cordy became hushed. Angel stood up; his chest and mind churned furiously.   
  
"I've got to go now." she said. Off in the distance, the lady of the moon weeped. _I don't want to lose you._   
  
He knew he couldn't go to her, even though he desperately wanted to. _But it's her decision. Hers to make._ He was resolved to stand behind her, no matter what the cost. For once, he had to accept being on the sidelines; to accept the uncertainty.   
  
For once, he had to accept his helplessness to change the future.   
  


_  
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet  
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day  
And head back toward the Milky Way   
_

  
  



	8. Soliloquay to Imagination

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Chapter 7: Soliloquay to Imagination  
(c) March 3, 2002, last update June 22, 2002  
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_ Can you imagine...  
_

  
  
The Hyperion lobby was empty.   
  
Wesley's office was empty.   
  
Angel Investigation's desks were empty.   
  
Yet the moon kept its constant vigilance.   
  


_  
Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-friend chicken  
Your best friend always sticking up for you ... even when I know you're wrong  
_

  
  
Angel stood in his son's room, overlooking the rythmic rising and falling of the baby's chest as he slept in his crib. He was speaking to him softly, as if crooning the melody of his pain.   
  
"She's ready to go. She's ready to leave us...Wes, Gunn, Fred... Dennis. Her home... Like waking up from a bad dream." Not a peep came out of Connor as he continued to slumber.   
  
"I can't tell her to stay. That would be selfish of me." _I can't do that. Best friends always stick up for each other and stay together no matter how far apart we are..._ "She'll have her love..." _even when I know he's wrong for her._   
  
Angel reached out to stroke Connor's cheek; then, thinking better of it, he withdrew his hand. All while his son smiled his secrets.   
  
Frustrated, he consciously refused to brood. He let his mind go blank as he observed the pure, uncomplicated being in front of him.   
  
If nothing else, he would always have this. He somberly turned to face the black void outside the window. Angel felt himself hanging by the thread, dangled on a string by the lady of the moon. _What else do I need?_   
  


_  
Tell me, are all the lights now faded...   
Is it because this heaven is overrated...   
_

  
  
His phone rang. _No more surprises._   
  
"Hello," he said. The cool evening air filtering into the room encompassed him and made his skin turn to ice. It matched the coldness in his dead heart. _Goodbye._   
  
"Hello." a bright, girlish voice said solemnly. _I forget how young you are sometimes._   
  


_  
Since you fell for a shooting star...   
One without a permanent scar   
_

  
  
To his ears, it sounded as if she was going through a tunnel. _And only getting farther away._   
  
"Have you made your decision yet?" he asked with dread. _Let me see you one last time._   
  
"Yes." she replied with emotion.   
  
"Are you sure about this?" he demanded fiercely. _Betray my emotions. I don't care. I care too much._   
  
"I'm perfectly clear about my decision." she immediately huffed. But she sounded uncomfortable.   
  
The lady of the moon dangled his string in front of her. _Are you imagining your life without it all? Without what's yet to come?_ He didn't realize she'd heard him.   
  
"Yes." Her answer was like an Arctic freeze.   
  
"There's so much you haven't done yet." Angel heard himself telling her impulsively. _Because I can still sweep you off your feet..._   
  
"So much you haven't seen," he found himself protesting. _We can dance along the light of day..._   
  
"So much you haven't experienced." He couldn't stop. _Head back towards the Milky Way..._   
  
"You'll be regretting so much." The floodgates were almost open now. _The best soy latte you ever had... and..._   
  
"And we'll miss you."   
  
For some reason, she laughed in wild delight. But she continued his train of thought with a dash of sorrow. "Why? I was never a good secretary. And I'm sure the Powers That Be have a pool of resources to dip into. You could be assigned a Seer in no time."   
  
"You're irreplaceable." Angel insisted. She snorted.   
  
"You can still shanshu without me. I'm not the one standing in the way." she said, dubiously.   
  
"I doubt it." The moon cackled at the ignorance.   
  
"I can't believe you." She exclaimed. "We're back to the same issues again. After everything you've been through and all that you've seen, you'd think that you would learn to deal with it."   
  
_So we're back to me again. Let it out. Anything, to hear a little passion in your voice._ "But I can't. I can't even imagine how."   
  
"Then don't." she said contemptuously. "Contrary to what your 'remember only my bad-ass historical torment' memory says, I have some reasons for angsty-ness too." _Right, the visions that are my fault._   
  
But she wasn't thinking of her visions. "You think I liked the idea of growing up in the Hellmouth?" she fired at him. "You, of all people, know that it was no picnic for anyone human. And made worse by being associated with the Slayer even in some small way. So I haven't had my issues as long as you. But then again, I never wanted to. So I dealt with it. I accepted it."   
  
"Dealing with it, accepting it. I have. What do you think all these years in L.A. have been about?" he defended himself. _I have, haven't I?_   
  
"Be honest with yourself for once. If you had, would you be so ready to throw yourself into self-torture mode over and over again? Tell me, when was the last time you got over your own ego and moved ahead? And I don't mean beating the crap out of evil-doers or leaving by the closest exit as fast as possible. I'm talking about coming to terms with what you will never be able to change. And quitting all the self-indulgent suffering until you can be magically fulfilled."   
  
"I have to atone for my mistakes." he rebutted quietly. _As if that explains everything, sums up my whole existence._   
  
"Yeah, and you've got all the black cloud melodrama to go with it. How deep can you sink into your own mess of a twisted past? Are you even learning from it? Other than the standard 'I've been burned so I won't touch no-no situations with my favorite weapon' and the 'I'm resolved to make up for every dumbass evil thing the demon I used to be did' lesson, what do you get out of it? What are you really doing about it?" Cordy challenged.   
  
"My redemption --."   
  
She seemed to ignore him. "You say you want to regain your humanity. Well, I think you need to do more than just save every helpless person in your path to earn it. You need to live it too." _Teach me how... _ "Figure out a way to save the world not out of duty but because you enjoy it. Do yourself a big favour Angel and quit floundering on the sidelines. Don't imagine how you'll get your real redemption; learn to live for it."   
  
Angel gaped at his unseen reflection in the window, his mouth moving noiselessly. The moon gave a bitter chortle, and he was startled to hear it was coming from him. That set her off on another furious tirade.   
  
"What's wrong with riding the coat tails of a little faith anyway? You believe that evil will always find some wacko way to cause you more misery and things to brood over. Well, how about believing that good will always be able to defeat it? There's a solution to everything. So why won't you believe that you'll discover it one day? Cuz, if you could look in the mirror, you'd see that you're a good guy now. Why won't you even try?" She paused to take in a breath. "Does your time with us...with me... really mean that little to you?"   
  
The silence between them was thick in the air. The cord he was hanging on was wearing thin.   
  
"When did you start getting wise on me?" he gulped, not knowing how to process what she was telling him, much less respond. But he still tried chipping at the ice.   
  
"Since I started playing nursemaid to my sad, sorry, bruised egghead of a best friend who's old enough to be my great great great grand-father and still can't keep a happy thought." she quipped. There was no laughter in her voice. The tension hung again. Angel reached for the turning point.   
  


_  
Tell me, are you lonely looking for yourself out there?  
_

  
  
"Cordy, I can't tell you how precious my life here... with you... means to me." Angel implored her to listen. _I'm done with being a coward._ "I don't want my angst to define me. I don't want you to leave."   
  
She wasn't letting him off the hook so easily. "Why?" she demanded.   
  
"Because I'll miss you." His voice was low. There was no taking it back.   
  
"Will you?" she questioned him fiercely. "I didn't think I mattered so much."   
  
"You do." he reassured her calmly. "You matter more than I can ever express."   
  
She wasn't certain. "But I only matter because I'm your Seer. You don't need me." she accused. "You left me once before, in the not so distant past. Remember? Everyone knows that you don't need to be happy in L.A. You won't need me when you're human again." she held back a sob.   
  
Angel riled back, horrified. _Oh, Cordelia. You've been holding back... and I underestimated my power to hurt you. Is that what you've been thinking? All this time?_   
  
"But my shanshu is not for a long time from now. My curse isn't going anywhere soon." he started saying desperately. _I should have realized earlier that even though you forgave me, the betrayal was never truly forgotten. Please, let me fix this._   
  
She cut in, not letting him finish, "It's still so easy for you to give it all up, isn't it? Oh, I get it. I'm not the Slayer. I'm not a blonde. I can't ever be what you want. Heaven only knows pure happiness to you is still in Sunnydale. Not in the City of the eternally dark Angel. Or with me." The grip on his cord tightened.   
  
"Are you so sure of that?" he asked harshly.   
  
"Are you telling me I'm wrong?" she bit back.   
  
"Maybe I am." She fell silent, disbelieving him. _I have to make her understand. I'm not the same person as before. I want a future._   
  
The cord was incredibly taut; now was his chance. With razor sharp determination, he cut it. And in that instant, he broke free.   
  
"Cordelia, you must know that I've let you in more than anyone else in my life. That includes everyone." He let her consider what he was trying to tell her for a moment, "Cordy, I'm done brooding about the past. I realized this week that I only want to figure things out for the future."   
  
"And how exactly will you do that?" The scepticism in her voice was still apparent.   
  
Just as you said," he said quietly. "I'll deal with it. I'm accepting it. I'm not giving up. Not on you. Not on Connor. Or anyone else. Not even on me. And eventually... I'll find a way."   
  
"How do you know it'll work out?" She sounded so weary.   
  
For the first time, he was entirely honest with her. "Because I'll always have the strength of your beliefs. Regardless of where you are, I'll always have you."   
  
"Oh," she said, rendered speechless. She weighed the implication of his words. And then, again, "Oh," as if she thought of something. She whispered, with a hint of regret, "You haven't asked me what I decided."   
  
"No, I guess not." Angel admitted. He lifted his head up and asked her, "What are you going to do next?"   
  
"Before I tell you, I need to confess something. I need you to understand what was wrong with me," she began, her voice cracking. "I accused you of being cowardly but the truth is, you could say the same about me. You wanted to help me before, but I avoided answering you."   
  
Angel heard the heartwrenching despair in her voice. "Go on," he encouraged her gently. "I'm listening."   
  
"The truth is, you don't deserve to be in the dark anymore," she confided. "I went away, originally, on vacation with this incredibly decent, so 'not fitting my track record' kind of guy. Then, I got the chance to jump into an uncomplicated world... at least compared to this one." Cordy was trying to be impassive now, but he still felt the underlying intensity. "Suddenly, it was this quest to figure out what my life in this dimension is really about. Because ever since I walked into the hell that my whole being revolves around now, I've just been going through the motions. Trying to do the right thing. Like wanting to keep the visions so much that I even became a demon? And so I started to imagine my life without all that crazy mojo and madness."   
  
She paused; Angel held his breath. "But the more I imagined my life away from the gang, away from my home, and everything that has made me who I am today, it all went back to one thing... " Her voice was racked with heavy emotion, as she concluded softly. "I couldn't face the prospect of losing you... Insanity inducing occurrances and earth-shattering dilemnas aside, I really, truly love... my life... as it is now. Maybe it's because I never really lived until I came here. Or maybe it's because I dedicated my life to you. Angel, all this time, I've been brooding over you."   
  
The hole in his chest was mending. And for not the first time since they'd started their phone conversation, he couldn't speak.   
  
The lady of the moon was waving goodbye. All of a sudden, Cordelia didn't seem so far away anymore. Comprehension dawned.   
  
"Cordy," he said slowly. Carefully. "Where's Groo?"   
  
Cordelia hesitated for a fraction of a second. "He's in Pylea." The admission was heartfelt; it encompassed him.   
  
And he was in a trance.   
  
"I called Wesley and asked him to come by to send him off properly." she explained calmly. "He's not coming back to our dimension."   
  
_Then where are you Cordy?_   
  
His ears heard a deafening roar. His chest felt the intense pounding of her heart. This had to be a fantasy.   
  
But it felt, smelled, and sounded real.   
  
As if beckoning to him, he looked towards the entrance of the room. And there she was, his Cordy, truly back in the atmosphere. She was framed against the doorway, a vision of loveliness; a goddess in his wildest dreams.   
  
It wasn't his imagination. Neither was the fiery beating of his heart.   
  
Two hearts. One hope. Beating in synchronous motion.   
  
She closed the door behind her and floated towards him tentatively. His phone dropped to the floor. Her phone was in her left hand, still attached to her ear. And a familiar blue bottle was in her other hand, clasped to her breast.   
  
The bottle was still full.   
  
She came to a stand still right in front of him and held out her right hand, trembling. Shining a beautiful smile reserved only for him. Unable to take his eyes off her, he captured both her hand and the bottle, and rested it against his chest. He reached out to take the phone from her left hand and caressed the side of her face. Tenderly. With promise.   
  
And it was the beginning of a new song.   
  


~~ * ~~ * ~~ * ~~ @ THE END @ ~~ * ~~ * ~~ * ~~

  
  
Last update: June 22, 2002   



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